I get married in six days. Five years and five months of waiting, and we're down to six days. I just can't wait. I can't wait for it to be Friday, to get the party going and relish in reunions and laugh with most all my favorite people. I can't wait to celebrate, to bring attention to the good things the Lord has done, the million ways He has blessed Aaron and I, the priceless people He has surrounded us with. I can't wait.
Finally, I've gotten to this point. These past two months especially have been the most chaotic of my life, full of errands and schedules and appointments and decisions. I've spent more money than I ever care to at once again. I've woken up every morning exhausted, yearning for the day when we just get to celebrate and be finished with all the hard stuff. Wedding planning has been fun, but it's also been one of the hardest things in my life.
So this past week, I think finally I've gotten to a place of peace. Some mental clarity. Some relief of stress. A relinquishment of control over the little details and the big picture that I just can't predict or manipulate for perfection. Sight of the end. It has taken a while, but it's finally here.
A few days ago, I noticed a small pile of twigs and sticks on the my back porch. I thought little of it until yesterday, when I opened my back door and a bunch of twigs fell on my head. Startled, I looked up and found quite a large nest on the ledge above my door frame. I went inside and looked out the top window and found a straight neck and a beady eye staring at me. Mama dove chose that spot, of all places, to nest her little babes. I'm astonished she fits up there, truthfully. She seems to be bursting out of that twiggy form.
I've been a little bit frustrated and puzzled about what to do. I need to take out my recycling and my trash. I need to keep moving forward with my life, but this dove is in my way, halting me. I don't want to disturb her home, so I've just left her alone since yesterday.
But today, Sunday, a day of rest, Jesus made it clear. These past three days have been incredibly soul-filling as I've gotten to spend time with Him, as my best friend has poured into my life, as I've realized how good the gifts are that He's showering on me. He has softened my heart to such the most tender point, leaving me on my knees in thankfulness, leaving me writing again, leaving me crying at Josh Garrels' anointed music.
I have a peace dove. "Peace be with you," He says. "Peace, at the last stretch of this chaotic phase of your life. Peace, to your frazzled mind. Peace, from your anxiety and the guilt you still hold over your past. Peace, from your fears. Peace; I have this under control."
Not planning, not buying, not list-making, not obsessing. Peace-dwelling. Mama dove, you stay as long as you like.