Wow, it has been a while.
Sorry, gang, for being MIA for the past two months. Life has gotten crazy- beautiful, but crazy. So much to share!
The biggest news of all is this- Aaron and I are engaged!! It was the day after Thanksgiving and I didn't see it coming. But it was lovely. He thought of all the things I love, which I hardly realized at the time. It was my favorite time of day- the last intense light before sunset; looking out over the water; spending that evening with just our families. A gold band, a round diamond. Words of affirmation and deep care. He's loved me; and we couldn't be more thrilled.
With the wedding quickly approaching (we've been together 5 years, not trying to wait much longer), we are bustling around all kinds of details. They're things I've always been excited about, as I've dreamt about a wedding one day, but now that I'm in the thick of them I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado, if I'm honest. We decide one thing and then sprint on to the next, making decision after decision like rapid fire. I love the creative things; thinking of colors and discussing cake flavors and imagining all the texture and light that will belong solely to May 16. I love picking out dishes and flatware and placemats and napkins. I love dreaming about the hosting we'll do, the food we'll make for people, the strands of evening light that will pour into our living room window, wherever we live.
But the big decisions are hard for me. I'm not good at making long-term choices, ones that stretch and tweak from beginning to end like saltwater taffy being pulled and spun on rotating beams. They linger in my head until completion; and with a situation like this, the lingering is going to continue and it's hard to overcome that nagging feeling. But after almost two months of this, my mind has had enough. I don't know how to do it, but I'm realizing I need to surrender all these details to the Lord. If I don't let them go I'm going to be rapidly sinking into not just my bedsheets but also the depths of the earth. With everything happening around me, I've not been able to do the life-giving, joyful things that keep me afloat. There's been little space with Jesus, hardly time to run, and absolutely no capacity for writing or sitting in a coffee shop by my happily contemplative self. It's no longer, "Man, I don't have time for those things." Instead, it's wear and tear to the point of "I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT."
It's time for some changes.
I am thrilled to marry Aaron. I can't wait to start a life together, to craft our house together, to watch movies together and fall asleep on the couch halfway through. I absolutely cannot wait; but I can't lose my entire self before that happens. Must stay Ellyn. Must stay joyful, thoughtful, thankful. Must rediscover laughter and humor. Must get back in the kitchen, create, taste, smell, breathe.
It can be done. He is good, faithful, gentle, lowly. Promise on top of promise are my sustenance and my food. And praaaaaise for that.
To be continued, friends.