the poison of ingratitude

Yesterday morning there was a shift in my heart.

These few months have been dry. I’ve been stubborn, cold, in one of those phases that no one likes to talk about because they’d rather just hole up and have no one bother them. In the moment, that’s all you want. Leave me alone, I’ll figure it out eventually. Fortunately for my soul and unfortunately for my prideful heart, that doesn’t last. Your loved ones peer in, start to ask, try to help. And don’t you just love them and hate them at the same time.

But then you find yourself glancing up. Walking. Approaching the good things you’ve pushed away for weeks. And you’re timid and you’re scared but you know it’s the best for you. And you find yourself just a tiny bit grateful for their tough but tender love. And you walk a little farther, become a little braver. And then one day, all of a sudden, you have a morning like yesterday’s.

For a couple days, in the back of my head, I’d been thinking about thankfulness. I was realizing how ungrateful I live my days. I walk about and breathe and communicate as if I just deserve, as if I’ve earned, all the incredible graces in my life. And I was gradually becoming more aware of how completely opposite that mindset it. Then yesterday morning, it all broke. Aaron and I read Jesus Calling (November 26, if you want a reference) and we prayed and the tears kept pouring out as I listed person after person, gift after gift, situation after situation that I do not deserve. And the thankful list kept growing. And I felt, deep in me, the kindness and generosity of a God who cares about me, even in times when I don’t give Him more than two seconds of my attention. 

And I realized- He showed me- the danger of ingratitude. It is a poison. A cloak that gradually covers you and lies to you and makes you full of yourself. My thoughts, my heart, if they have anything right to them, ought to tangibly reside in a posture of gratitude. That is the norm, the home base, square one. If there is any erring, it is a quick peek outside with an even quicker return. I want to live in the home of thanking. I want to consider every sight in my life as its true identity: a gift. Aaron, gift. Our home, gift. Our families, gifts. Our health, gift. A kitchen stocked with all the tools and food I could possibly need, gift. The peace and rejuvenation in our home, gift. The ability to love and celebrate and feel, gift. Why should I deserve any of this? These things are so good that they could only belong to my loving King. So I will live in this.

How timely of Him, nonetheless. This is the most celebratory month of the entire year and I love it so much I could burst. I can’t believe we get to join in on partying with the Creator of the concept of celebration. That is literally one of my top five favorite things about Him (we watched High Fidelity last night so I’m into the five groupings right now). But seriously- the thought of that makes me cry every time. And every year at this time I fear that I won’t be in tune enough to feel and understand and experience the wonder of this month. But then He goes and does things like this. He changes my heart and tugs me back and reminds me of What is good so that I can celebrate with Him all over again. That is grace. And it shows up in the coolest of ways.

I’m thankful that I get to be thankful, especially in this merry month.

on writing: a call to excellence

I’m a spill-writer. That’s my style. I’m writing that way now, as I always have. Get everything out on the page, quick, before I forget it. Then go back and tweak. Doesn’t matter how many times I use the same word. I’ll return, reread, change what needs to be changed. I just need to get it out.

I really, deeply want to be a great writer. The more I blog, the more I realize that while I love food, the process of making it, and the gathering it brings, it’s the writing that grounds me. It’s the artful process of stringing together words to explain a feeling, a thought, a belief that grabs the attention of both my head and my soul. 

Despite the discipline of sitting still and focusing, writing papers was always one of my favorite parts of college. Long or short, daunting or simple, the process was a thrill for me. The title, the introduction, the paragraph after paragraph of progressive thought. Everything but the conclusion, really (come on, who was good at those?). What would I discover? What would I learn from the styles of painting I was comparing? What would I grow to love about this architect, whose creativity works so gloriously? Every paper was unique. It was practice. Each time I tried to use new words, think more richly, write more precisely.

One of the sole reasons for playing the writing game was the constant, ever-living wonder at what could come out of my head, through my fingers, and onto paper. It’s often a marvel, sitting down to write a piece, and discovering what art that can emerge from the intertwining of your brain and your heart. It’s beautiful to me, and that is why every writer’s work is different. Generally, we all use the same alphabet, the same dictionary, the same grammatical rules. Yet our words are composed very uniquely. Our tones reveal our outlooks; our stories tell our experiences. This is the beauty of our wonderfully crafted selves.

The hard parts? I know very well the pit of repetition. Words, phrases, themes, ideas. It’s easy to find your linguistic rut. But that’s why I want to challenge myself again. Without the demanding deadlines of assignments, it’s all too easy to put aside the practice, to join the ranks of an unfrequented hobby. But I want to dig into the greatness of this art form. I believe that we are called to excellence, and that as children of our Creator, we ought to exercise our creative brains to find the richest parts of them, because that process and the gold bits we find along the way are mirrors of His creativity. This ability to reflect as wildly as the moon is one of the purest forms of our roles as glory-givers. I believe that He rejoices when we grow, He delights when we stretch our creativity, He dances when we learn something new. I believe that the challenge is worth it.

So, friends, help me out. I am going to develop a discipline, maybe a couple, that will help me exercise my creativity. First, I will set a schedule for myself. Right now, the most reasonable goal sounds like once a week. Secondly, I need to stretch my vocabulary! Any strategies or tools that I could use to do so? Rather than absentmindedly flipping through the dictionary, of course. Chime in, please. Leave me a comment or send me an email. Let’s challenge ourselves, people. For the ability to explain things beyond ourselves. For the story-telling of others. For the projection of a voice louder than our own.